I've just been swimming and I've swallowed so much water I won't have lost weight.

I'll be a bit heavier this week because I've grown a beard.

I fell while ice-skating and suffered mild concussion. I couldn't remember whether or not I'd eaten, so I ate double when I got out of hospital just in case.

I'm bound to weigh more after my honeymoon because of the weight of my wedding ring.

I played doctors and nurses with my nieces. I was the patient and the pills were Smarties.

I knew I should have shaved my legs before I got on the scales.

I thought broken biscuits were okay - the calories fall out, don't they?

I work in a cafe, so I have to check that the food tastes okay before I serve it to the customers.

My twin sister is pregnant and I'm putting on weight in sympathy.

I've had a long soak in the bath so I've absorbed water through my skin.

I always eat chips (fries) from someone else's plate, so obviously they're not my calories - they're hers.

I always eat standing up so I just can't understand why the weight doesn't drop off.

I couldn't see what sweets I was eating because it was so dark in the cinema.

I thought it was all right to eat fruit cake - think of all those vitamins.

It doesn't count if it comes out of the salad drawer in the fridge, so I always keep my chocolate there.

Well I have cut out sugar. Now I use honey instead.

I bought the cake from a health food shop so it can't be fattening.

I thought it was all right to have a cake with your tea if you left out the milk and sugar.

I like a few chips (fries) with my sandwich - they add a bit of garnish.

Lord, My soul is ripped with riot incited by my wicked diet.

"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man! and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain! but at my present weight, I'll need a crane.

So grant me strength, that I may not fall into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated, that my soul may be poly unsaturated

And show me the light, that I may bear witness to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

And at oleomargarine I'll never mutter, for the road to Hell is spread with butter.

And cream is cursed; and cake is awful; and Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone; the Devil is in each slice of baloney,

Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, and Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice but, cut it thin and toast it twice.

I beg upon my dimpled knees, deliver me from jujubees.

And when my days of trial are done, and my war with malted milk is won,

Let me stand with Heavenly throng, In a shining robe--size 30 long.

I can do it Lord, If You'll show to me, the virtues of lettuce and celery.

If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise, of pasta a la Milannaise potatoes a la Lyonnaise

and crisp-fried chicken from the South. Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk

Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars

Late Evening Snack: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET: 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS!

The Toddler Diet

Day One Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg and dump the rest on the floor. Take bite of toast and smear the jelly on face and clothes.

Lunch: Peanut butter and banana sandwich, glass of milk. Spit out several bites of sandwich. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Snack: Two pennies and a nickel, 3 sips of stale pop found in family room.

Dinner: Mashed potatoes, chicken fingers and carrot coins. Pour milk on mashed potatoes and finger paint table top. Eat half of chicken and toss rest at brother. Stick carrot coins wherever possible.

Day 2 Breakfast: Pancakes with lots of syrup, glass of milk. Eat pancake with fingers, rub in hair. Stuff pancake in glass of milk.

Lunch: Two crayons (non-toxic), any color, picked up from floor. Nibble on dog biscuit spilt from box in cupboard.

Snack: Lick all-day sucker until sticky: take outside. Drop in dirt; retrieve and lick clean. Bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: Macaroni and cheese. Eat half with hands; feed rest to dog. Pull off that stale gum stuck under the table and enjoy for dessert.

Day 3 Breakfast: Quarter tube of toothpaste (fluoridated), bit of soap and bite of Kleenex. Pour glass of milk on cornflakes, add sugar and mix. When soggy, refuse to eat.

Lunch: Two matches (unlit), half a tube of "pulsating pink" lipstick, half a cup of strawberry yogurt; leave lots on face.

Snack: Find that sucker and lick off the fuzz. Stick to the cushion of your best chair.

Dinner: Spaghetti and meatballs, eaten strand by strand. Roll meatball across plate many times; cut in quarters and leave on plate. Nibble on stick of mascara for dessert.

The Four Food Groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

Diet Ice Cream: the ultimate OXYMORON

I'm concerned about the "die" in the word dieting...

If you are what you eat, I'm staying away from the nuts!

Eat A Prune And Start A Movement

Calorie (Definition)- a unit of measure used to define taste sensory satisfaction.

Seen on a bakery delivery truck: Cakes 66 cents . Upside-down cakes 99 cents.

Licking a regular size, multicolor stamp delivers .007 calories. A larger commemorative, such as *Elvis*, has .014 calories.

Don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time you lose a pound.

It has been said that we live on one-third of what we eat and the health clubs and diet farms live on the rest.

I thought you were trying to get into shape? I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.

Rumor has it- if you eat desserts with eyes closed, your caloric intake is significantly reduced.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

I realized that I got a sugar buzz... when I noticed that I was passing everybody on the freeway when suddenly I realized, I was not in my car.

If it doesn't have garlic, it must be dessert.

Dessertation - A waiter's litany of what's on the dessert cart.

WYSIWHIP: What you see is dessert topping.

Que sera, syrup: What will be, will be sweet.

Was the song "You're So Sweet Mable Syrup?

A diet is a weigh of life.

After two weeks of dieting, all I lost was two weeks.

Balanced diet: Balanced diet: You balance four pounds of chocolate with four pounds of cake.

DIETING: a way to make the ends justify the jeans.

The Feline Diet

DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.